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Validation In A Relationship | Why Giving Too Much To Your Ex Is A TERRIBLE IDEA
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Why is giving too much to an ex a bad idea? Why is giving gifts, or too much attention, or too much love a bad idea? Especially, if you neglected your ex, and you’re trying to prove to them that you’ve understood your necessary change.
First thing to say is that giving too much to an ex will definitely make you look desperate, manipulative, or needy. That is not a winning formula, whether you were too distant, even if you neglected your significant other, if you do too much too quickly, you will come off as manipulative because your significant other is going to think that you’re only doing this to win them back. It’s not that you’ve truly changed, it’s that your back is against the wall and you are pretending like you finally understand what their needs are and what their needs were. But, it’s too late because they are disconnected emotionally.
We can honestly tell you that you are probably not being true to yourself when thinking how far you’ve come since the breakup. Most people think that they’ve moved forward and have been able to gain perspective when in reality, they have not. Something that may seem very basic to you, may come off as very needy or desperate to your ex.
Usually, we don’t encourage relationship coaching clients to give any gifts, or give too much attention or validation because it will only push your ex further and further away. They will feel like their decision to breakup with you is threatened in some way, or that you are just not getting that they need space.
That’s why it is probably best, even if you were too distant or too disengaged, to not give too much right away. Otherwise, you will devalue your own worth in their eyes. Instead, choose to focus on the things that enabled you to connect in the first place. And choose to focus your attention more on rebuilding your self-worth, your self-esteem, rather than trying to prove to your ex that you’ve understood the reason why they felt they needed to breakup with you in the first place. That is not a good investment. Although, you need to understand that in order to work on yourself and to grow, trying to prove to your ex that you “get it” will make you look desperate and needy, and many times, that is when people start to give way too much.
It’s basic supply and demand. If you give too much time, attention, validation, your time and love is not going to be worth much in their eyes, especially if they felt like they had to distance themselves and break up with you to begin with.
So, ease up on giving too much to your ex – not right away, anyway. Save some for when you actually get back together and when the relationship will need to be sustained because that is when it becomes more difficult, and that is when a relationship will ultimately succeed or fail.
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Over the years we have helped people in all types of breakups, separation and divorces successfully get back together, and I highly encourage you to look into out how we’ve been so successful.
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